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7/18/2017
I Prayed for you "If I had met you sooner, I could have loved you longer." These are words I've stolen from some great love song when I coo into Adam's ear, reminiscing about how we could have started this journey sooner. Adam typically reminds me that there are three amazing reasons why that would not work - we wouldn't have our children. And that - is just too big of a sacrifice for either of us to make. We adore our kids - heartbreaks, headaches, love, laughter, and all. But I still remember that piece of paper I carry around in my current prayer journal. The one that reminds me to always write down my prayers and to never forget the power of the best conversation of all. The one with my maker, my God.
Let me give you a little back story ... During the time of Adam's Traumatic Brain Injury, I was in an unhealthy relationship - fighting my own battles. The relationship ended with my exiting the unfaithful home and starting a new life. I didn't think about how this was an amazing blessing in disguise. I took time to dive into healing myself and starting a new life as a single mom. Focused on raising my daughter Lulu. In July 2011, I wasn't ready to be the wife that Adam needed. God wasn't done working on me yet. I had clung to an unhealthy idea of a relationship out of wedlock. I settled for something God never intended for me. He was working on a masterpiece for me - one that would have to shatter in a million pieces to become worthy of me. And he was doing the same to me - breaking me to mold me back into a whole Raquel. One that decided to love herself despite past mistakes and physical flaws. One that could wake up every morning and say, "I'm gorgeous" (sometimes after a little blush and a whole lotta coffee). So on my journey - I decided on January 2012, that I needed to be VERY specific about the kind of man I wanted God to bring to my life. I asked him for something in my intro - a soulmate! I was bold, wasn't I? I didn't even know it. You see, back then my relationship with God was all about convenience and quiet. When convenient, I would be bold about my faith and otherwise it would remain quite. I was and have always been a Believer, a Christian. But I wasn't always walking the walk. It took a lot of shaky ground for this girl to become closer to her God. I certainly wish I'd been less stubborn, but God knows me better than I know myself. He knew I was way to independent and my own free will was going to help me learn some tough lessons. The biggest one: God is always in control, and he doesn't need your help, Raquel. The second biggest: Start being a Mary in a Martha world, Raquel. Busy isn't always productive and chasing after a career won't fill that void. And so, you see, for me to be this bold was a big step. Unknowingly so (because I wasn't quite that deliberate), I was surrendering my wishes, hopes, and dreams about my love story to God. I was asking him and finally putting a specific list together about the kind of man I knew I deserved. I had 14 wish list items and God fulfilled 13 of them (the least important one was left out). When I met Adam, he had just moved from Texas to Arizona and was rooming with his Cousin Nick. He didn't have his own home. You'll find more about his journey in Adam's upcoming chapters. I believe leaving Adam being a little less than perfect was to humble me. Because I too was a little less than perfect, let's be honest. But in my eyes, Adam was the sun, the moon, and the stars. :) He was the answer to a dream I once thought was gone. God used two broken lives to mend two broken hearts. He created beauty from ashes. How he did this, you'll soon find out. And so I continue to coo in Adam's ear, "But never forget Adam, that I prayed for You. I still do."
7/8/2017
Chapter three Something's wrong? My neck hurts. Whats going on? Nurse, stop! stop! stop! That doesn’t feel right. What are you doing? God, please have her quit. She's sticking a tube down my throat. I feel it in my chest. I can’t move someone. Please anyone have her Stop! The nurse stops looks at me and says “Hello. We just need to make sure no water gets in your lungs. I know it hurts. We just have to make sure we vacuum any liquid." Later, I’ll learn the reason I can’t talk is because I have a Tracheotomy. There's a hole in my throat with a tube connected it to it that is allowing me to breath. I lay there, glad it's over. But, are they going to do this everyday? Not cool God. What happened? Why am I here? I hear voices, the lighting in the room hurts my eyes. I see the woman whom I've just recently learned is actually my Mom. Her arms are crossed. She’s listening to the doctor. I’m trying to listen? I can’t make out all the details, but Mom looks like she’s doing some solid, intense eye contact with the Doctor. They’re moving closer to me. Good…. The Doctor says, "He’s showing signs of brain activity. This is good. His body has suffered a great deal of trauma. However, if he makes it. His life will consist of a team of people helping him for the rest of his life, living in assisted-living facility. He suffered a major traumatic injury to the brain. Your going to need to decide what to do.” Wait. Stop. Hello? Are you saying I’m not going to make it? My God. I'm on life support. I suddenly hear her voice, "My son's strong. He’s going to make it. He’s a Fighter! He’s a believer. You keep him alive. My God will deliver him. I know what my God can do!" Yep. She named me Adam. She’s one of those Bible people. Look at her she’s hurting, she’s all alone. This is to much for her. She walks over to the corner chair, sits, and begins to pray. She crying and pleading with God. She gets up and she’s pacing back in forth in the room. She’s pointing at me and telling my body to heal. She’s massaging my legs and arms. Wait. Wait. Is she …? … Yes. She’s singing. She’s singing to God?! How can she sing at time like this?!! God, I can’t do this. You heard the Doctor. I can’t put this sweet lady through this. Please, it's not right. It's not right. God let me die. Please let me Die let me just slipway. This is too much for any person to see or go through. God, I don’t want to be bed-ridden for the rest of my life. I’ll never marry. Never have kids or contribute to society…What life is that? Or worse yet, I'll have people aid me for the rest of my life. No Mom deserves to live and go through what she’s going through. God help her and give her peace in knowing that its ok; to let go of her boy. I'm ok with it. Take me Lord. Please, I beg you. I know you hear my thoughts and know my heart. Just please. I can’t lay here and see this beautiful woman hurt. Please. Please. Please, God.
6/25/2017
why we (i) need all three Faith, Family and Friendships is a mouthful. For most people, these three F words are intimidating, exhausting, and challenging. They certainly were for me once, not too long ago. They all require work, vulnerability, and commitment - and sometimes, that's just feels like "too much" to give. But I learned the hard way that they were vital to my own survival. What Village? At the tender age of 20, I found myself in the pool of unexpectedly single mothers. As a result of social and peer pressure, I too fell for the "I can do it all by myself" mentality. I thought that's how all single mothers managed their lives - by themselves. I didn't realize that the old adage "It Takes a Village" was so true and should have been welcomed. Without a network of fellow mothers to help me navigate these waters, I found myself very isolated. Supported by my amazing parents who offered free child care while I finished my baccalaureate program and held a full-time job in the banking industry. Now, I should mention that I had a wonderful group of single women who were kind, good hearted souls and whom would have been my network of support - had I asked them. But I never did. That was my own mistake. I Trust God, But ... Fast forward to years of burning myself out, thinking I could do it all by my own strength and sheer will. Mind you, I've always had a strong faith. But it was more cerebral and an overlay on top of my life - not practical, tangible, relational. I knew God had a plan for me and I trusted that plan, but I was doing my best to work the plan myself. Pausing, so that you can <insert your laugh here>. I had no idea of what living a fearless life without worrying about every day would look like. I felt that I had to worry about it all in order to keep it (life) from unraveling. But I didn't realize, I wasn't the one holding all the yarn in her hands - it was Him, my God. Family is a priority? Growing up in a blue-collar home, I never saw the practical prioritization of family. Rather, I grew up thinking that work was the most important element of your life and that work ethic was a man/woman's worth. It's not that my parents didn't make us children feel loved and appreciated. I erroneously interpreted their pride in strong work ethics as their priority. They held those low-wage, blue-collar jobs because of the priority of family. They spent time with us every evening at the kitchen table. But I could never visualize them saying, "I can't go to work on Saturday, my family comes first." Their workweek was a Monday thru Friday structure with minimal overflow into family time during evenings or weekends. This is so contrasted by the advancement in remote working capabilities that pressure today's employee to check work email during evenings, weekends, holidays, and family outings. There's a lack of separation due to our accessibility. This transition into a fluid and accessible employee really sidelined me. I never saw it coming until I found myself working past midnight on regular basis while working for a Bay Area company at the age of 30. By this time, I had devoted the majority of my life to moving up the career ladder with one goal in mind, "never needing the help of anyone (especially my child's absent biological father), ever." Feel the Burn? I started seeing how often I became ill during that time. I was always battling something. I quickly developed a severe dairy allergy that would invoke the angriest of sinus and ear infections if left unattended. Within 48 hours, I would be overwhelmed by the sinus pain. This began a course of antibiotics and steroid prescriptions. These bouts of sickness continued for years. Until one day, my boss told me that the only way we could make my role successful was if I would move to the bay area to manage priorities and team onsite. We both knew I would never uproot my family, so that was the beginning of the end of a relationship. I took time to prep my exit plan and train my replacement. I was just as devoted to the organization on my last day as I had been on day one. The first day of my unemployment during those years, I was overcome by the realization of, "what happened to those years of missed school events, date nights with my wonderful husband, time with God, and time to cultivate friendships?" Most of my friendships were distant by then, limited to writing annual birthday posts on Facebook. My time with God was continual daily prayer chats (e.g. Lord please help me with this today, it's a challenge), but never real conversations where I sat to actually listen to him (and be still). My time with my family had always been the left over from work. Often rushed and distracted. While I tell myself I put them first, I didn't give them the best of me - I realize that now and I regret it. I vowed to change - and I did. A little, not transformed completely. I worked 60 hour weeks instead of 80. And I dove more deeply into my family, leaving little room for God and no room for friends. The Morning that Changed it All One morning in 2016, I woke up to a devastating family crisis which shook my entire world. It changed EVERYTHING about the way I saw life, faith, family, and friendship. I'll explain it in detail in another post, but what transpired was a health crisis that affected my husband. While I didn't make perfect decisions - there was a moment in the hospital room while I spoke to my husband (who no longer knew me) where I made a conscious decision - "I need help, I can't do this alone." I reached out to an amazing support group called "Blended Families" at our local church. We'd been part of the group for a few years, but never truly became real family members until this season in our lives. I was very honest about where we were as a family and our spiritual and physical needs. It was horribly painful for me, but I found peace in being honest and transparent about our challenges. It was SO unlike me, to say that I could not do it all myself. It was freeing and scary at the same time. What transpired was a series of coordinated, thoughtful and sacrificial actions taken by my Blended Family peeps as I call them. They were heroes and heroines in my eyes. They became the living, breathing, visible manifestation of God's love for me. It was so real, so touching, so honest - I couldn't escape it (Him). One of the ugliest seasons of my life, became hundreds of moments in time where God literally reached out and hugged me, fed me, counseled me, supported me from falling, made me laugh, encouraged me. It was AWESOME! Okay, I give, I give! And so, I learned my lesson. The more I try to hang on to my little world by myself - protecting my family from the elements, the worse I feel. The more resistance I will feel from life and the challenges that come with it. The more I surrender to the possibilities of my faith in God, my devotion to my family, and my vulnerability in friendships - the richer my life experiences become. I truly wish I had learned this lesson in my twenties. That I had reached out to a community of mothers, leveraged my network and supported peers in doing so as well. That I had created a huge division between family and state (work) to protect those special moments and give my family the best of me much earlier on. That I had stopped to spend time with God more in my youth and truly listened. He would have helped me avoid so my of the mistakes that my free will inevitable allowed. And when I have these moments of regret, like I do this morning as I write this blog - I give these guilts and sadness to God. I know that there was a reason for the path I took. And if it meant that a single life was changed because of it, then it was worth the sorrow. I pray that he gives me the discernment to understand when I fall into old habits and helps me focus on my priorities. God, Family and Friends - yes, in that order. I pray that he'll help you avoid my mistakes and that through reading this note, you'll see practical reasons why I truly cling to these three truths.
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AuthorRaquel Gonzales (Kels) - Raquel is a 38-year-old wife of an amazing man, and mother of three beautiful blended teenagers (Elijah 20, Lulu 18, Abby 16). She has thrived in a creative career for over 11 years. Her passion is to empower others by the lessons learned in her own life and challenges through transparency and honest conversations. As a creative soul, she loves to write, design, create and publish. She hopes to please God in doing his work by leveraging the talents he gave her. This blog is but one of those digital artisan crafts. She hope it pleases Him. Archives
July 2020
CategoriesAll Faith Family Friendships Heaven Love Marriage Miracle Practical Lessons Prayer Testimony Vulnerability |
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