I Prayed for you

"If I had met you sooner, I could have loved you longer." These are words I've stolen from some great love song when I coo into Adam's ear, reminiscing about how we could have started this journey sooner. Adam typically reminds me that there are three amazing reasons why that would not work - we wouldn't have our children. And that - is just too big of a sacrifice for either of us to make. We adore our kids - heartbreaks, headaches, love, laughter, and all.

But I still remember that piece of paper I carry around in my current prayer journal. The one that reminds me to always write down my prayers and to never forget the power of the best conversation of all. The one with my maker, my God.

Journal Entry: January 10, 2012
I was thinking about what I'd like to see in my future, my love, my soul mate. The person I hope to one day find. 

Skills/Abilities/Qualities: 

• Funny, good sense of humor 
• Kind, gives all to those he loves 
• Strong enough to not let anyone walk over him 
• Strong leader who know that I'm his true equal 
• Fearless, willing to sacrifice 
• Humble, appreciation for blessings in life 
• Hardworking and loves his career
• Believes in working to live 
• Thinks about other human beings, cares 
• Sees children as gifts and an honor to be their parent 
• He thinks I'm brilliant & gorgeous :) 
• He's cultured <3 both sophisticated and ghetto 
• He loves his parents and siblings 
• He has his own place

Journal Entry: January 6, 2013
So, on December 15, 2013 - I met a man named Adam. We met for our first date at the Vig Uptown and the date ended up being like 6 hours ......(more on another post).

January 2012 & January 2013 Journal Pages

Let me give you a little back story ... 

During the time of Adam's Traumatic Brain Injury, I was in an unhealthy relationship - fighting my own battles. The relationship ended with my exiting the unfaithful home and starting a new life. I didn't think about how this was an amazing blessing in disguise. I took time to dive into healing myself and starting a new life as a single mom. Focused on raising my daughter Lulu. 

In July 2011, I wasn't ready to be the wife that Adam needed. God wasn't done working on me yet. I had clung to an unhealthy idea of a relationship out of wedlock. I settled for something God never intended for me. He was working on a masterpiece for me - one that would have to shatter in a million pieces to become worthy of me. And he was doing the same to me - breaking me to mold me back into a whole Raquel. One that decided to love herself despite past mistakes and physical flaws. One that could wake up every morning and say, "I'm gorgeous" (sometimes after a little blush and a whole lotta coffee). 

So on my journey - I decided on January 2012, that I needed to be VERY specific about the kind of man I wanted God to bring to my life. I asked him for something in my intro - a soulmate! I was bold, wasn't I? I didn't even know it. You see, back then my relationship with God was all about convenience and quiet. When convenient, I would be bold about my faith and otherwise it would remain quite. I was and have always been a Believer, a Christian. But I wasn't always walking the walk. It took a lot of shaky ground for this girl to become closer to her God. I certainly wish I'd been less stubborn, but God knows me better than I know myself. He knew I was way to independent and my own free will was going to help me learn some tough lessons. The biggest one: God is always in control, and he doesn't need your help, Raquel. The second biggest: Start being a Mary in a Martha world, Raquel. Busy isn't always productive and chasing after a career won't fill that void.

And so, you see, for me to be this bold was a big step. Unknowingly so (because I wasn't quite that deliberate), I was surrendering my wishes, hopes, and dreams about my love story to God. I was asking him and finally putting a specific list together about the kind of man I knew I deserved. I had 14 wish list items and God fulfilled 13 of them (the least important one was left out). When I met Adam, he had just moved from Texas to Arizona and was rooming with his Cousin Nick. He didn't have his own home. You'll find more about his journey in Adam's upcoming chapters. 

I believe leaving Adam being a little less than perfect was to humble me. Because I too was a little less than perfect, let's be honest. But in my eyes, Adam was the sun, the moon, and the stars.  :) He was the answer to a dream I once thought was gone. 

God used two broken lives to mend two broken hearts. He created beauty from ashes. How he did this, you'll soon find out. 

And so I continue to coo in Adam's ear, "But never forget Adam, that I prayed for You. I still do."